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This love isnt good unless its me and you
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| Were out of rythm without time. |
[Nov. 23rd, 2005|11:57 pm] |
It seems as if life has brought me directly to you.
and all the twists and turns. you've brought me survial.
Youre what im certain about.You keep demanding more from me.
I fear I have nothing left to give you.
I have offered you all of me.
Let it all out.
Youre words dont speak as much as youre heart allows you to feel.
Each step i take, is taken with you.
You wont leave me.
And you take care of me.
And i hope i give you the same in return.
Im a difficult little girl.
You bother me to no extent.
Ill keep you close.Youre what i want
youre what i have.
I've made some mistakes.
and made some adjustments.
Im not the girl you all thought i was.
I know who I am.
Im sorry for the disappointment and the
tragedy I brought along with me for the
temporarily misleading life i lead.
You have saved me.
Everyone.
Im sorry.
It's funny,
those words
they used to slip right off
my tounge with no meaning.
Im sorry. for real this time. |
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| And theres no where else that I'd rather be. |
[Oct. 23rd, 2005|12:43 pm] |
My weekend:
FRIDAY- we had a pep rally at school.Then my aunt picked me up and i went and
hung out with the twins.
SATURDAY- STARTED OFF, with me and eric in a fight, then i went to the homecomming game in the pouring rain.
After two seconds of me and meghan being there we left with eric and chris.
They took us to some parking lot to do stupid car tricks.
Then they dropped me and meghan off at my house.
STARTED ERIC AND NICOLE ;FIGHT TWO.
Me and Meghan watched Some Like it Hot. as I let out my anger.Then Ryan came to pick Meghan up, AS Eric came over.
Our Fight ended.
It took my dad and sue 548978945 hours to figure out what we were all doing that night.
SO we finnaly came to the agreement of going to that hanunted house thing at the Wachovia center.
The four of us waited outside in the pouring rain, it was so bad all of our pants were falling down becuase of the excessive amount of rain drenched on them.
We got inside finnaly and some strippers did some routine.
and then we entered the scariest thing i possibly ever witnessed in my whole life.
Well i actually wouldnt know becuase i had my eyes closed the whole time.
I also got so scared that i took sues shirt off, by accident.
Then after the scary thingy we all went out to a diner.
Then dropped eric off at his hommmmmeeee.
Today i think im going out to eat with eric but im not sure.
IM HAPPY. OKAY, AND I LOVE MY LIFE. AND EVERYONE IN IT.
but, im failing spanish 2 |
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| i love you and thats what you are getting yourself into |
[Oct. 17th, 2005|11:11 pm] |
I sprained my ankle. Because Gia is an idiot and fucking drove the field hockey ball into my legggggg. But whateeeeever.
Me and eric have hung out every single day sense friday=]
Um my family is going fucking crazy.
My eigth period english teacher had sex
with a seventeen year old in my school.so
now shes been terminated and i have a sub
everyday.
There were gun threats made in my school on
friday.So my daddy picked me up early.
Life is insane. But im so complete now. |
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| This one's a long one. |
[Oct. 7th, 2005|07:34 pm] |
"and when we hold that second longer.chest to chest."
I am truly happy, and its impossible for things to get any better.
I like my "boyfriend" figure. a lot. wow its so weird to call someone that.
I havent used that term in such a long time.I think using that word is way over rated.I finnaly stoped running.And he caught up with me.
Thank you for saving me.I apologize in advance.
Sarah karpf & Meredith Gibson and.are my best friends
and practically my life right now.Thanks for making
me smile =]
I hate seeing one of my best friends
fuck up their life.and someone that I
care about. I wish you could BOTH
just realize all that you have to offer.
and How I used to look up to you.You've
left me with nothing.
Hopefully, one day we can
meet and i can thank you.
and for the best friend;
gia,im not giving up on you dear.
Eric gets his license in january.
AND THEN THE BET BEGINS.HAAAAAH.
My friends are too funny.
I havent been getting in trouble.
Because I refuse to let myself go
this time.No more stupid shit. I
dont want to dissappoint my family.
and let down myself.
This is exactly where I belong.
Field hockey is almost over,and
eric just quit his job.so now we
can spend more timeeeee together.
The last couple weekends have been fun.
We hung out with sarahs friends from pennington
over this kid daves house with connor matt and john.
there cccooooooool. and me meredith sarah and colleen
all went to a football.which kind of suckkked.but then
we met this california kid.hm.yeahhhh.
This weekend me meredith sarah and eric.
are going on a hayride type thing.
Somewhere
in
between there eric is
meeting my dad.scaary.
but promising.
I've been in really a bad mood latly.I apologize.
<you3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 7th, 2005|06:10 pm] |
OKAY JUST SO EVERYONE KNOWS.
I WILL GO OUT WITH WHO I WANT
WHEN I WANT YOU CANT MAKE ME
DO OTHERWISE. AND ITS NOT UP
TO ME TO DESCIDE WHAT WE ARE.
BE A MAN AND DO IT YOURESELF!
ANYWYAS. SCHOOL STARTED. AND
I LIKE IT A LOT. MY SCHDUEL
ISNT THAT BAD.EXCEPT FOR THE
FACT I HAVE FUCKING ART?! WHAT
THE HELL. IM NOT ARTISTIC. I
ASKED FOR GRAPHIC ARTS. BUT
SOME PEOPLE ARE TOO FUCKING
RETARTED TO DO THEIR JOB AND
GET IT RIGHT!
FIELD HOCKEY HAS BEEN GAY.
MS.TAYLOR HAS ME PRACTICING
WITH VARSITY AND SUBBING FOR
THEM, AND THEN BEING THE "CAPTAIN"
OF JV.ITS SUPPPERRRR GHEY. I CANT
STAND SOME OF THE PEOPLE ON MY TEAM
ALLREADY..
I HATE A LOT OF PEOPLE. IM
DONE WITH FAKE BITCHES. FUCK
YOU. I DONT NEED YOU.I REFUSE
TO GET INTO TROUBLE ANYMORE.IM
DONE WITH ALL OF THAT SHIT.AND
IM NOT WASTING MY TIME ON PEOPLE
THAT SERVE NO PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I LIKE MY FRIENDS.AND I LIKE A BOY.
AS LONG AS HE STOPS PISSING ME THE
FUCK OFF. OKAY. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 30th, 2005|05:28 pm] |
FIELD HOCKEY SUCKS.
I HATE IT THIS YEAR.
I MISS MY FRIENDS.
ERIC IS GHEY BUYING
THE OC. TWO.
I LIKE HIM. ALOT.OKAY.
I DONT WANT TO BE WITH
HIM BECUASE I DONT WANT
HIM TO GO AWAY LIKE THE
LAST ONE. WE'LL SEE WHAT
THIS YEAR BRINGS. |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 25th, 2005|07:50 am] |
WELL,
I've been grounded. But I've begun to understand everything a little better.
Things I used to miss and love, I dont anymore.And I've never been happier.
I saw eric yesterday for the first time in like three weeks.I missed him.alot.
Field hockey started again which makes me completly happy even if i have to wake up at seven every morning.Thank god school starts up again soon.
I miss my old lunch table.I miss lindsay. And colllen, even though she doesnt go to my school. Im really happy right now.Because soon I know everything will fall into place. I've made some really big mistakes and have had really bad judgement.But I understand everything now.
You make me happy in ways undiscriable.Its good to have you back.
You amaze me in everyway possible.
Im OKAY. |
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| IM HOME. |
[Aug. 4th, 2005|01:03 pm] |
OKAY.
WELL,
I've been down Seaside the past four days.And it was so much fun.
Theres not really much to do in seaside in general.But we met these
kids from Hamilton West that just graduated.And like 27 guys rented a
house which is the street behind ours.So they invited us to their parties
every night.It was incredibly fun.
On other things.I dont really know whats going on.He finnaly told me.
But i dont know how I feel.Some things from before have really been
getting to me latly.Expecially with all the dreams I've had about him.
I dont want them anymore.But i dont want to start over either.Its too soon. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2005|05:29 pm] |
Well things have been pretty out of control latly.I went to phils party on Friday.And we all came to the conclusion that vikki is my other half becuase we are amazingly alike in personalitly.Then I went back to lindsays houes and we went out at like two thirty to meet chris ryan and dan nothing..hm. It was pretty awkward But we werent with themn for long and did absalutly nothing.Saturday was a pretty crazy day.I almost got grounded until october,But my dad just cant ground me anymore for being in high schoool and trying things.Like everyone does. So im not grounded anymore.Then I went to the macaroni grill for my aunt tricias bachelortte dinner Thank god me and my mom didnt go to the strip club in phili becuase when we got back to my dads house My half brother dylan had a whole in his head.My dad and sue were supposed to watch him for my mom and he was downstaris and fell into a table and now has a big whole in his head.We spent teh night in the emergency room .The poor little three year old boy had to get three stitches.And im extremly sick and need to get all this blood work done.I have anemia and My platelets are very low.And thats not good.By any means.
Some people really need to shut the fuck up.
You lost me and everyone else here..I still care about you.but theres no reason for you anymore.This is not how I wanted things to be.This is just How you've made them.
You confuse me so much.I wish you can just come out and tell me
instead of telling me "its about you and you should know" Tell
me please.it will make me extremly happy.I like having you around.Always.
Im going to seaside tomorrow until thursday with colleen lindsay and sara.Its going to beee suppperrrr fun.
And then when I get back friday is my aunts wedding.
Then the week after that I got down lbi and colleen lindsay
eric chris and maybe vikki are alll comming with me=]
I love life right now.Thanks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 26th, 2005|02:58 pm] |
Yesterday afternoon I did absalutly nothing..at all. It wasss sooo boring.
But then at like 1 o 'clock i jumpped out my computer room window and met eric at warwick park. He took chris's car. and eric only has his permit. but i still made him drive around.We went to the golden gate diner and listend to O'towns liquid dream on the boom box thingy. It was prettyyy sweet. But first he gave all my change to this ho'boe lady who needed three dollars and sixty five cents to get her car fixed..when i know for a fact it was drug money.Im guessing coke. Anywayss chris called and said he wanted his car back so we drove back to chris's but he was sleeping. so we just went back out and went driviinng and we sang some sweett tunnees. Then we stopped the car to put in the I can make a mess cd and dashboard becuase i was getting freakin tired of teh same songs from motion city soundtrack and something corporate.
We then stopped at wawa and he got an iced cofffee, then we went to a park and sat on the swinnggs. After that we parked in warwick and justt talked, and hes freaking gay becuase he wont telll me the reason hes upset, he said he would tell lindsay and colleen before me and that "he expecially cant tell me" and that its so obvious i should be able to figure it out. but i cant because hes retarted and confusing.
Ahh he let me driiivee.it was prettyy sweet. but i had to sit on his lap while he pressed the pedals and i steered, everyonee makes me do that and its extremly uncomfterable, I guess no one trusts me with their cars.. I really suuuuckk at driving though..I was home by five. and had to wake up at 11. I have a suppper bad headachee.and the biggest bruises all over my body from falling out windows and just from beign a retarted idiot.
anyways today im bored. And all of my friends seem to be on vacation.
Im wayyy confused right now on everything.As soon as I have one thing figured out something else comes up from out of the blue and comepletly suprises me.Im not ready for this.Not at all.Im still sad. I dont want to rush into anything, or anyone new. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 25th, 2005|02:17 pm] |
This is all so wrong.
If this wasnt what you wanted, than what was it then?
I dont know where I stand with anyone these days.
I just seem to get annyoed with everything and everyone.
I dont like myself much these days, and the things I do, Well,I hate even more.
If only you knew.
No one knows how I feel right now.And its becuase I feel I wont seem as strong as you,or up to youre equal.So i'll just keep in indside.
Everyone seems to be better than me these days.What happend to the times where i was all you ever wanted.
I guess none of this matters.
I have both of youre guys' sweatshirts.
I wont give them back. sorry.
Maybe I care too much.
Maybe I should take youre advice and
"need someone else"
Last night i jumpped out my window I cant bend my one leg to curl up into a ball like i usually do to sleep at night.It hurts. I have 1,000 masquito bites. I like my friends, new, and old. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 24th, 2005|04:45 pm] |
Last night was fun. I dont do bad things.I just like having fun, and im sorry for that. Last night andrew pittman had a party, so they all called me completly wasted and wouldnt let me get off the phone.They're funny.Sorry I couldn't go. I hate too many people.And I was a little too honest last night.
What happend to simple fun?!
I dont like having choices.They drive me crazy. And don't put any pressure on me.I like things how they are right now.Please dont start liking me.Please.
He picked my nose a numerous amount of times last night.Usually it takes a couple months to get to that point.Hah.
I hate slutty boys.You wont pull one over on me.
I'll be happy for you.If you can be happy for me.
I miss you,I do. regardless of what you might think. |
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| Maybe tonight we'll get back together. |
[Jul. 23rd, 2005|03:00 pm] |
I cant even begin to comprehend anything thats been going on in my life for the past couple weeks.I dont want to explain it either.I know how my heart feels, but it doest. And i know what i should do.but its so wronngg.everything went so wrong.This is not how i planned things to be.Its amazing how within one single sencond you're whole world can just come crashing down, everything you knew, everything you hoped, everything you felt; was all a lie. I wont give up hope, but i'll give up you. for now. My friends make everything all right. I think something is wrong with me.New people make life exciting, but I've had a little too much excitment for one year.This hurts more than i thought.Just forget.Just forget for now.
Last night was the closest me eric and colleen I think have ever come to death. I cant explain it. because no one will believe ua.I was in my own horror movie with no where to go.I will NEVER go back there at night ever again. Eric took my phone, i just got it back. something happend with that.Im sorry.You should be too.
If you want to know what happend ask me.Im NOT posting it on livejournal.
Thanks. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|07:54 pm] |
"I dreamed you were carried away on the crest of a wave
Baby don’t go away, come here."
Im trying to make you all thats in my head right now.
But its hard to do when the last made me feel so cheap.I was such a fool.Such a stupid fool.I dont belive anyone these days.After the lies I've been told.So instead of crying, I'll raise my glass and make a toast, a toast to goodbye..I refuse to be with you.'s. You'll play with my head. Make me like you, then make me fall in love, then tell me you'll never leave me, then you'll go away. All boys lie. All boys suck.So I guess. I wont like you.I'll just be your friend.
Some memories will get the best of me.You seem to have gotten the best of me.Now im left with the worst parts. I sleep differently now.With my chest facing up, i feel as if i breathe and feel differently too.Dont flatter yourself. Its impossible for teenagers to be together, so we all should just give up. on relationships and on love. Its not real, and it never works out.. Im sorry but its the facts.You WONT be with them forever.and most likly they WILL use you. and they MOST DEFFIANTLY will break your heart.so give up kid.I'll probably regret not taking chances with you. But ill play around with you, and make you feel like your the first i've ever loved, I'll make BOTH of you feel like the only one, but I dont want to be with either of you,but lets keep talking till the sun comes up everynight, lets keep close everynight.Hold me.I need to feel loved.You're a fool too.Just thought you should know.I feel bad, because its impossible for anyone right now to care about you the way I did.Dont.I have my reasons. You'll miss me someday.
I go to the mall tomorrow will alex and emmy=) fuuuckk yeaayyuuh.
tomorrow my parents wont be home again.so its another night at my house. with colleen and her kyle. Eric adn kyle.hm. we'll see how that turns out.Kyle drives so hopefully he will take us somewhere.I will not get in trouble and I will not get caught. Bring me some happiness. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 21st, 2005|12:05 am] |
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Today I went to pt.pleasant beach with my famillyy. It was fun. I got tan, and my lips got burnt.
Then I got home and got ready for lindsay and kyles birthday dinner at joes crab shack.Boy, it was probably the funnies thing ever.They dressed kyle and lindsay up with napkins around the top of their heads and gave them these two pan type things to clap with around the room to look like the energizer bunnies. It was fuuucking hilarious.I guess its the type of thing you have to be there for.
Then we all hung outside. and waited for ginas dad to fit us in the car.But pat, nick, buddy, and kyle all couldnt fit,so they didnt come with us.
NEILS HOME! GOSH, I LOVE THAT KID.IM SO HAPPY HE'S NOT DEAD.OR DYING. but anyways me lindsay colleen gina and meredith all went back to neils house and got blankets and then headed to sayen gardens to watch jumunji.
Neil and gina both left and we met up with phil. Colleen and lindsay went to get food.And eric and chris came.
SO me eric meredith chris and phil were all in sayen gardens and it was pitch black and tehy kept scaring me it was a lot of fun though, i like being scared. also beinngg held and fighting with eric, and stealing his water bottles. Im awesome at messages mine were deffinatly better then merediths.By far.Those fuckers left me adn eric by ourselves numerous times tonight and waht did they do? they hid in the bushes and freaked the shit out of us, well mostly me, eric was the one laughing at me while i squeezed his hand and grabbed him. haha.
Then we went to the parking lot where chris car was and eric was driving, but eric doesnt have his lisence and i was sitting in the pasenger seat and he took off speading, and we didnt know, but meredith was on the trunk of the car.They siad we almost killed her.
Then i sat on chris lap and he let me driiive. I loved it, I sucked though realllyy bad.
Now im home. I couldnt be happier right now.Im so eager to see what will happen next.
You make everything allright.Dont let me fall too quick. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|09:39 am] |
I dont like options,and I have too many right now.I dont like hurting people, and im afriade thats going to happen.
I almost forgot what it was like. But you had no intentions of showing me otherwise. Im sorry I cant give you much right now, I dont think my heart is strong enough, or willing enough. I forgot what it was like to have someone,that cares,Thanks for showing me. Thanks for helping me feel again.I trust you.And i dont want to go messing anything up this time around.
Youre here.And im not going anywhere anytime soon, love.
hahahha eric is going to my aunts wedding with me.How fuuuckiing random.
Thanks, cutie.
Im at the beach today.Jealous? I know.I would be too.. Call meee to hang out lata. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 20th, 2005|02:53 am] |
Dont get too ahead of yourself now dear.
Today i hung out with colleen gina and nick. But first i went to work. and i love it tehre. the people there are so nice and they really helped me today and really cared. I also went back to colleens. I dint throw up today, so thats good. Colleen made me and nick food.Nick picked me a flower to make me feel betterr.i lovveee my friiiends.erics cute/ gay. and i've been on the phone with him all night and hes gayyyy gayyy gayy. justtt kiiiidiing dear. My friends make everything alright. This summer i think is fiannly going to start getting good.
My heart feels heavier than usual. Im confused on a couple situations..
Im not getting myself into anything too quick.Im tired of walking with a ghost, Out of my mind.Out of my mind.Out of my mind.Your out of my mind.Out of my mind.
Im sorry. Im so sorry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 19th, 2005|02:01 am] |
I wish you would tell me the truth instead of hiding things and lying to me.
Everyone agrees its time to move on. and some people even got extremllyy mad at me for saying i cant get anyone.
im sorry eric.
and my friends make me feel good.
Im talking to one of my really old good friends
again and that makes me happy.
I love making new friends.
I thik its time for someone new to come into my life
Im tired of liars. Im tired of people who hide there feelings.
You siad youd want to know from me, well guess what, I want to know from you too.
Change and different doesnt nessacarily mean bad.
I need to change some things.
I shoudnlt be afraide to be with someone again.
god knows your not.
Im tired of trying to get even.
Just trying to be happy.
I know i can be
I dont want to be over dramatic anymore.
Im done being sad.
I started talking to someone today again also that i was a total and complete bitch too beofe and i felt totally bad but me and him are hanging out this week, and that makes me feel happy. a few people will hate me for that.
Colleen helps me with everything.I cant thank her enough, shes my life right now, well she is helping create a new one for me.
This weeek is going to be funn.
Wednesday hanging out with kyle tibido, and or thursday.
Friday going to the mall with emmy pears and alex kemble=) yay
Saturday having some fun with eric and going to a movie.
Lindsays birthday is today.so we all must take her out to dinner and give her a good time.
andrew gets back from the beach on wednesday also.
I love my family.
My friends are too good for me.
I sometimes like myself too much.
it sickens me.
I love new jersey.i love new jersey.
I have about 87886764 pictures of nick lombardo on my phone. It looks like im obsessed with him.
I had a weird dream of me making out with like seven different guys at the mall. weiiird.
I want gia to come hommee!
I CAN WAIT FOR LBI
AND HELL FEST.
Ok now im just being random and annyoing.
I need someone or something to take my mind off you for good. and im tired of resulting to a drink.
I think they have what i need.but it will never compare to yours. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|12:59 pm] |
I let you go this time. Im not trying. Im done trying.I dont miss anymore. Well maybe a little.Why do other people effect you so much? Your not last anymore.Your such a fool. Im an even bigger fool.Im not going to be difficult anymore. because this time i let everything go. Maybe not my feelings, but everything else is thrown away, along with who you used to be.Im done expecting.For now my love.
My body shakes.I finished the bottle, along with other assorted drinks. Im extremly sick. Im about to be taking to the hostpital.My beebs on his way. I cant stop throwing up the room wont stop spinning. And im not thinking of you, not one little bit, not even at all.Ok maybe a little, but not enough for me to fall in love.I've been there once before, i wont return.I wont go back to how i felt before.It's amazing to me that with this fever and with my insides turning inside out,I can still manage to type. I cant stop crying. It hurts too much, I cant tell weather its because the pain physically hurts, or emotionally. Time to go, my beebs here. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|12:35 am] |
you make me sick, along with everyone else. im not taking a chances with you, I dont care who you've been with. Or how happy you say you will make me. you cant do it, you just cant.Im sorry. I really liked you, but i dont anymore. You live too close to me and your too obsessed with yourself, you drink too much, and im not too happy about the cocaine.No more late drives. No more diners.And no more past my bed time.Im clearing away from you.
Im going to lbi soon. and then maybe im going to florida. but with how things are going right now. im not too sure on anything.Your constantly changing my mind. |
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imsohappyicould's journal